My Ego, the Flying Ace

One thing that's become clear(er) over the last few weeks is that my ego is fighting for its survival (and it's not fighting fair!). I rarely go to movies, not because of any particular reason, I just don't think of it very often...but Saturday I decided to catch a matinee of Fly Boys. I thought it would be interesting to see a movie with bi-planes on the big screen.

Of course it was about World War I, so it was symbolic of the war games of separation that we play in our everyday lives of "us versus them," and to use the movie as an analogy for my lessons of forgiveness is really not much of a stretch. So as I sit here and think about the "epic" battles I've been fighting with my own ego for the last few weeks, those bi-planes flown by the "good guys" doing battle in the movie with the more technically advanced and war-adapted tri-planes flown by the "bad guys" come to mind.

I can picture my ego as the "guy" in the black falcon tri-plane, smirking at me as he tries to "kill" me so I don't kill him...How does he do this? His weapons of destruction include temptation and guilt and shame--and he uses distraction like an expert marksman! He happens to know my achilles heel better than anyone, and points his poison arrows of guilt right there, as he dangles the carrots of temptation in front of me.

He knows just which "carrot" will create the most desire in any given moment, tricking me into forgetting that I need nothing outside myself, since I am always One with God. My ego knows that if he can distract me and lead me down the path towards my worldly desires, I will likely forget that the Holy Spirit is following right along that same path with me the whole time, just waiting for me to choose that which I really desire: the Peace of God. Often, the ego's trickery is as simple as waiting until I express my desire to diet, then finding something that's not on "my list" of acceptable foods to encourage my cravings. Apples, for example...Apples happen to be on this list of things to avoid for the time being...I haven't eaten an apple in any of the many months preceeding this diet, (and if I'd eaten apples instead of french fries over the years, I wouldn't be needing to diet!) but suddenly (and ironically), apples are now the forbidden fruit. So guess what I want! Yep. At any other time, that would sound just dumb...I would eat the apple, or I wouldn't. But now, as I struggle to remember to see the battle over my diet as just part of the illusion, I'm having trouble not eating the apple...or the coke, or the fries, or anything that a mere week ago had no appeal whatsoever to me. I think I lost more weight not dieting, and just feeling neutral about food. There's probably a message for me in there somewhere, and not so deeply concealed!

The other carrots are equally as tempting, as the ego dangles them for me to covet: constant desire for some non-specific "better" job, all kinds of gossip to bite into, and irritation with co-workers and street people and those who share the road with me. Particularly tempting these days is the idea that I'm a victim of my clients, or anyone else--and that I'm not creating the world around me. Some days it would actually be a relief to let myself be a victim of my world...it would take the onus off of me to change my thoughts. If that's what I really wanted, it would be sooo easy...

But it's not what I really want, and as I slip into the negativity of the ego's world of want and misery, at least it creates enough pain in me for me to verbalize my discomfort! At least I've spent enough time walking willfully with the Holy Spirit now to actually miss what that feels like, even when I can't seem to put my finger on what I'm missing. And at least I have a friend in this world who will point out that all that's wrong with me is that I've been listening to the wrong teacher, and in that very moment, flip my focus back to the right One.

And so, the Black Falcon that is my ego retreats to the hangar to wait for the next opportunity... From now on, it would really be in my best interests to let the Holy Spirit take the cock pit of my bi-plane, and I'll ride along right behind Him.